It's common to hear the phrase "but he doesn't hit me" when talking about verbal abuse. While words do not leave the same visible scars that physical abuse does, it scars none the less. In fact, the scars left behind by verbal abuse can be insidious and life changing. Verbal abuse affects our minds and our belief systems, and it is what we believe in that shapes our life.
Long term verbal abuse can create beliefs like, "I'm not good enough","I'm not trying hard enough", "I'm not worthwhile" or worse "Life's not worth living". These marks may not have the visual impact of a busted lip or a black eye but the affects of such abuse can last years even lifetimes. Very literally, like any form of abuse, the victims brain chemistry changes and instead of becoming more resilient to verbal abuse, we become more fearful. Fearful of any kind of energy shift, tone change, and facial tick, just like a victim of physical abuse. Overtime this state of fearfulness changes the amygdala in the brain, enlarging it, and creating an exhausting type of Hyper vigilance. This type of trauma can become overwhelming for the body causing deep distress suspending the higher thinking parts of the brain.
Studies show these changes in the brain are reversible but only when the person is in a safe space away from verbal abuse. When you live with someone who verbally abuses you, no space feels safe. When a person experience with trauma is extended over time the cortex of the brain shuts down and the limbic or emotional part of the brain takes over. When the emotional part of our brain is in charge we are not longer working with reason or critical thinking. When all this is considered, verbal abuse is a brain injury and thought not visible creates a wound not unlike physical abuse. You just can't see the wound directly. However, there are physical symptoms present. When our brains are injured by trauma we experience a fracture between what our body is experiencing and how it feels. Because of this fracture the brain may not be aware of how the body is keeping score other ways. For example, a person may experience intrusive thoughts, sleeplessness, stomach aches and troubles, or feelings of avoidance and isolation. Trauma caused by abuse isn't only a mental health issue, it's a whole body health issue.
Verbal abuse creates an invisibility that negatively impacts domestic survivors. Verbal abuse is not regard in the same seriousness as physical abuse though both are damaging. In fact, in many ways verbal abuse creates longer lasting injuries to the brain, than bruises or broken bones. It sounds terribly crass. However, what we believe truly guides the way we interact and show up in our lives.
What we believe impacts our lives more than facts, reasoning or new information. What we believe is emotional and ingrained into our identity, and this influences our perception, motivation and ultimately, behaviour. What we believe creates a physiological, whole body reaction creating feelings of certainty and and stability and this. motivates action or inaction. What we believe can either foster whole body sensations of safety and confidence or what we believe can foster isolation and fear. Challenging a strongly held belief can create feelings of personal attack. Someone who believes they are "worthless", "stupid" or "Ugly" identifies with those qualifiers over time, and believes those verbal assaults are a part of their identity.
This type of mental template created through verbal abuse can stay with the person for year hindering their ability to truly see themselves through their beliefs. Too often our beliefs are formed by the people around us, and those we deeply love. We see this in abused children. Children who are verbally abused and berated begin to believe they are unworthy ultimately stifling that child's potential. This too happens in abusive relationships where verbal abuse is present.
It's also why women don't leave. Over time beliefs about being unable or not strong enough to make it on her own are internalized, stifling her ability to leave. When a woman leaves an abusive relationship it can be a dangerous time. Many women are stalked, verbally abused and their lives threatened by ex-abusers. It takes a great amount of bravery, self confidence and a strong sense of self to leave an abusive relationship, especially when verbal abuse is present daily. Verbal abuse creates a barrier for women trying to leave abusive relationships because they ultimately believe,even when untrue, they are not able to leave. Their beliefs create a whole body sensation signalling to the brain it is unsafe to leave, when when it might be unsafe to stay. This makes verbal abuse insidious, and dangerous as it creates complicity within the relationship. This can lead to escalation between partners leading to more dangerous bouts of physical abuse and sometimes even death.